I Guess I Got It Wrong Again

Apparently I just can’t do anything right. I know he’s mad at me again, and I don’t even know why. I can’t please everyone all the time. I guess that’s just the way I’ll always be. My son comes first, and that’s definitely the way it will always be. It just seems like he gets mad at me or upset at everything I do, even when I don’t think I’m doing anything wrong. I don’t get it. I have been trying really hard to make him happy, but I guess I just need to try harder. Why can’t life just be easy for once so I’m not stressed out 100% of the time. If I’m not stressed out by work, I’m stressed out by my mom. If I’m not stressed out by my mom, I’m stressed out by P. If I’m not stressed by P, I’m stressed by him. There is no non-stress time. I just want a day (or night) where I can go out and not have to worry about ONE THING. Sadly, this will never happen. It’s just something I can’t come to terms with. I mean, doesn’t everyone deserve just a small break, even if just for a few hours? I mean, I’m literally NEVER alone. I wake up, P is there. I go to work and I’m constantly around people. I come home and I’m constantly around people. I literally get about an hour after P goes to bed to myself, and even then I can’t enjoy myself because I have to do homework, or else I’m too tired to do anything, so I just go right to sleep. And while I’m asleep, P wakes up and comes in my room by about 2am. So, yeah, I’M A LITTLE STRESSED OUT. Even when I do have a little time to myself (Tuesday mornings…only SOMETIMES) there is always something to be done…laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning, etc.
Sorry I’m griping so much, but lately, it feels like everyone is upset with me and I feel as if I don’t deserve it…because I don’t. I’ve been having constant headaches daily. My back has been hurting like crazy. My muscles are tight and I feel like crying nightly because I’m not perfect and everyone for some reason thinks I should be. Maybe I should just be alone for the rest of my life. Maybe that’s what God is trying to tell me. I’m done.

Phew.

Ok, now that me saying sorry is out of the way, I can actually write about something else. CVS pisses me off to no end. They just keep giving us more crap to do with less time and less help to do it. It’s ridiculous some of the things we have to do and say to people. I honestly feel bad for our customers. I want a new job, but in this economy, especially where I live right now, it’s pretty much impossible to find anything unless you’re willing to flip burgers or you have a master’s degree in something. Everyday is a struggle to get through, and I feel like pressure keeps mounting from nearly every aspect in my life. Sure, some pressure is good, but when it’s coming at you in every direction all at once, well that causes explosions. And I feel one coming on. I don’t want to have a mental breakdown. I don’t think I’ve ever really had one, but this sure does feel like something that could happen to me. I know I’m rambling. Ok…thought process needs to slow down now.

Lil P has been really living up to the stereotype of the terrible twos. He is constantly screaming, throwing fits (and toys), not sleeping in his bed, begging…oh, did I mention screaming? Some days I just feel like giving up. I know it will pass, and soon, I will be wishing he was two again. But right now it’s tough. I just have to keep telling myself one day at a time.

School…well, it’s going. I am kind of a bit (or a lot) behind right now because of weddings, Lil P, work (usually I work 32 hours a week, but for about a month, I’ve been working 40+), and other such odds and ends things that have to be taken care of (laundry, cleaning, shopping, etc). I have two papers and four quizzes due by the end of the month, and for some reason, I don’t think it’s all going to be done. I have one paper half written. I haven’t even begun to research the other. The quizzes are easy, so I’m not too worried about that. I’m just trying to get this school thing done as fast as possible to avert my crisis and mental breakdown from CVStress.

Parents….mom and dad constantly bickering over stupid things from the past, and me still being the messenger. I’m so tired of these childish games. It’s been six years. Just get over it already.

The entire previous post was about my love life. I love him so much. But on Monday and today, it felt like he just wanted to fight. That’s the last thing I want to do, especially with everything else that’s been going on. Like I said, I’m sorry I can’t be the person who does it all. I’m not perfect, I can’t perform miracles. I wish I could.

For some reason, it seems like my birthday is a bad omen. The entire month of October is usually bad for me, and this month has proven my theory to be true. The only good thing that comes from having a lot of bad days in a row is that my writer’s block normally takes a break and I can be creative. I’m not sure if this is good or bad, and throughout the years, I still haven’t figured it out.

I know that everything happens for a reason. I tell myself this nearly every day. I try…I really do. Every day for the past month or so, I’ve woken up and said to myself “Today will be good! I won’t get angry. I won’t fight with anyone. I will take things as they come and won’t stress.” And yet each day, none of this happens. I don’t know. Maybe I’m not cut out for this whole life thing.