This Doesn’t Add Up.

Recently, everything I seem to become a part of falls apart. My relationships, my job, my schooling. I feel like I have a black cloud hovering over my head that won’t go away. I am really trying hard, and it feels like I’m getting no where. A few weeks ago, I wasn’t the one trying. But things changed and now I know I need this more than anything, yet it feels like the roles are now reversed, or at least, not where they should be. I don’t know if it’s karma or if it’s just me. Maybe a little of both. Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder why I even exist. When I re-discovered this thing a week ago, I went back through it and read about 90% of the posts that I made in here. I didn’t realize that this went back to the beginning of 2006. That’s a long time. Most of the entries were sad, but a few made me smile or brought back good memories. Especially the one about the love note of the century. I don’t know. I hate thinking. I hate the way my brain works. Maybe that’s why I don’t think about things often. Maybe it’s why I don’t communicate well. I try to explain this to people, but I can’t. It’s truly unexplainable. Sometimes when I talk to people and they don’t understand what I’m saying, I just want to shake them and scream “JUST LISTEN!” I know it won’t help though. I also know I’m rambling a lot. I do that when I’m upset or worried. I’m sorry. I’ve said that a lot lately. I hate those two words because when they are said, they are usually not meant. When I say I’m sorry and mean it, a person can tell. Is it ever going to be right again? I hope so…I want it to be so badly. Only time will tell though. I just keep telling myself that everything happens for a reason. It’s how I make it through the day.

Chicken Fried

My PTCB is tomorrow. I’m scared :-X I think I’ll do ok though. Well, hopefully. After that I’m going to work for a while so I can finish getting things straightened out. I work at a new store now (not sure if I already mentioned that or not). It’s a lot of fun. I love the people. The enviornment is a lot more comfortable as well. Makes me feel a lot better. My old store was really….uptight I suppose. Anyway…

I think M and I are done. We haven’t spoken in 3 days and we still live with each other. I believe I’m going to ask him to move out (since it’s my fathers house) either tomorrow or Sunday. It’s just horrible that he can’t grow up and take responsibility for anything. He does a lot of bad things that I won’t mention in here (nothing bad towards me, just bad habits I HATE). It just gets old after a while. I figured that once we had Lil P he would straighten up a little and get his priorities straight. But apparently his priorities haven’t changed. Lil P and I are about 4th or 5th on his priority list instead of 1st and 2nd. It’s just…not good. And his family is sooo amazing. I love them to death. It’s going to be sad to let them go. They are all so loving and caring and such nice people.

I’m so scared to take this next step in my life. M and I have been together for 2.5 years now. There is so much I want to write but I can’t find the words. We have tons of good memories, but the memories that really stick out is the ones when we were fighting and screaming at each other. Especially when I was pregnant.  I love him a lot. He deserves love that I can’t give him though. We have grown apart, not closer as the time has passed. That’s not how it is supposed to work. If you love each other and want that love to last, you work things out. You don’t make snide remarks towards each other (mostly him towards me). You don’t call names and dismiss your responsibilities because you are mad at your significant other. (again, him). It’s just not right. I don’t really know what else to say except for right now, I feel so alone.

My parents are going to hate me. His family is going to hate me. Everyone in my life is going to feel hate towards me. I don’t want that at all. It’s the worst feeling in the world to know that the people you love (and taht supposedly love you) feel disappointment and hatred towards you. It just plain…sucks.

I feel like everything is coming to an end. I’m so glad I have my baby boy. I don’t know what I would do without him. I’m scared. I’ve been crying for a little while now. I don’t know what to do.

Dead Worms

It rained today. A lot. And there were tons of earth worms all over my sidewalk. It made me pretty depressed. I’ve been feeling depressed anyway, and just seeing those worms, dying on my sidewalk…well I don’t know. I feel like I’m not loved. Mostly by M. He just…I don’t know. He says that I never show him any affection. I think I show him a lot of affection. I kiss him, hug him, joke around with him. That’s my idea of affection. But apparently he has other ideas. He says that if I don’t start showing him the affection he wants, then it will make him cheat on me. That just doesn’t sound right at all. I’ve been suspicious lately. He has been staying out a little more each week. And there are weird phone numbers on his cell phone all the time…at weird times. I don’t know. I’ll write more later. Lil P is up.