I Know What’s Wrong With Me!

I finally have figured out what is wrong with me. What has been wrong with me my whole life up until this very point in time. It is such an obvious thing, but I suppose I just needed someone else’s guidance to figure it out. Donald Miller and his bestseller “Blue Like Jazz” help me do just that. This book has completely changed my life for the better. There are so many similarities and situations that Miller writes about that I can completely relate to in his book. Towards the end of the book he has a chapter about “how to really love yourself”, and never once did I think that I didn’t love myself until reading these specific pages.

I really didn’t love myself. I put myself down all the time. I tell myself I’m ugly, fat, and I have a bad personality. I tell myself that other people don’t like me. I tell myself that I am not a good person and I don’t deserve to receive the love of others. The last part of that sentence is the most important. If you don’t love yourself, you can’t receive the love that someone else is giving you, and that has been my problem my whole life. I haven’t been able to love myself, so I haven’t been able to receive the love of others. Once I read this chapter, so many things became clear to me.

My past relationships haven’t worked out because I haven’t been able to love myself. I fight with those whom I love because I don’t love myself. I don’t trust myself to make the right decisions, so I don’t. I judge people when they shouldn’t be judged. I make fun of people and I took everything that everyone said the wrong way. Well, from this day forward, that isn’t going to happen. I’m not going to sit around and talk bad about myself anymore, silently to myself or to anyone at all for that matter. I’m going to stop judging people and treat them the way they should be treated. Everyone on this earth has a story, and I want to be a part of their story. I’m not going to make fun of people or laugh at them because of stereotypical differences. The realization that I had today after finishing the book was outstanding, indescribable. I can’t put it into words, but the feeling was amazing.

I am so thankful for everything and everyone in my life. God’s love has overwhelmed me with happiness and it shall continue to do so until I meet Him. This whole experience has been tough, trying to find God and realizing what He is all about. But finally, I’ve made it, and I couldn’t be happier. I’m living proof that you don’t need a church and a pastor to help you find God. The journey to find God is a personal one, and you have to want to find Him before you can even start. I have prayed for a long time that this day would come, and it has, it finally has. Life will truly never be the same from this point on.

Change is in the air, and I can’t wait to start the next chapter in my life, on my new journey, not just with God, but with my family and friends being seen in a new light by me.

Day 07 – Someone Who Has Made Your Life Worth Living For

Well, I might just be a tad greedy on this post and name two someone’s that have made my life worth living. Actually, make that three. Eh, I can’t help it. First and foremost, I must say God. Knowing that I always have someone to turn to no matter what is life changing in itself. God is always there, watching and helping in time of need. I know that I am alive today because of the choices that He helped me make throughout my life. Secondly, I have to say Lil P. Without him, my life would feel void. He is a part of me and that will never change. He is my one and only (well, at least until I have more kids haha). Third and lastly, I’d definitely say Cody. Over the past six months, he has become the person that I know that I am going to spend the rest of my life with. Well, I knew that since day one, but the more time I spend with him, the deeper in love I fall. I know that he will always be there for me no matter what, and I love him for that.

What is today’s date?

Well, since it’s nearly been a year, I figured I should come back and update this. Life has been surreal since the last time I wrote. So much has happened, it feels like it’s been ten years. I started school at SU. Realized I had zero chance at getting into their pharmacy school, especially with no time to study since M has pretty much given up all fatherly responsibilities. Tried SU for two semesters then gave up. That was a waste of money, but I at least I had fun, and yes, I did learn a lot. I suppose that counts for something. Now I am taking online classes and progressing towards a BS in criminal justice. I have a while to go, but at the pace I’m going, I should be done in about a year and a half. Until then, I’m working for CVS full time again and loving it. My CVS people are my second family. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without those guys. Especially Kim and Sharon!!

As for the love life. I went on dates…found nothing. This past March I thought I found this great guy. Turns out it wasn’t so great. I felt like I was never going to dig myself out of this rut I had fallen into. Then one day out of no where, HE appeared. The guy I’m supposed to be with. We both knew it the minute we met and it’s the most amazing feeling in the world. With him, everything is right even when everything is wrong. Just thinking about him brightens my day and puts a smile on my face. Life will truly never be the same again, and that’s a good thing. Lil P loves him as well.

I’m still at my mom’s house (unfortunately), but hopefully I will be out by the end of the year. I sold my car and purchased a 2003 Jetta that is paid off, so I’ve been trying to save money, but the bills at this house keep getting bigger because people are greedy. Which is why I am trying my hardest not to go crazy here. It’s been a year since I moved in and a year and a half I think will be the limit of me living here. Ugh. That’s all.

M is not being a fatherly figure nor a nice guy at all. I decided to file for custody and my first court date is August 20th, which is next Friday. I’m scared, but I know that I will get custody because he is just not a good person. I just want it to be over with so I can move on with my life and not have to worry about him and his ass-holish ness.

I’m sure I will think of tons of more things to write about soon, but I’m getting a little tired and I have a million things to do tomorrow. I hope everyone has been doing great!

Maybe I’m Falling For You

So…I’m completely falling for this guy at work and it’s WRONG in SO many ways. Number one…he is my boss. So that’s a HUGE NO-NO. Ahhhhh….Number two…I’m still technically with M. But I have let him know that I don’t feel the same about him. That I don’t have the same love for him as I once did a long time ago. I think it’s because when Lil P was born, he treated me like crap. I should have broken up with him then….but NOOOO…I’m an idiot and I let him run all over me for about 8 months. Then he changes and it’s different…now I feel like a bitch for not loving him because he changed. Oh…and Number 3 HE’S MY BOSS.

I don’t know what to do. I haven’t felt this strong about someone in a long time. My feelings are literally giving me stomach cramps and headaches because I can’t stop thinking about what I should do. I mean…this guy. He’s amazing. And I’ve told him that. And he knows how I feel. And he likes me too. That’s the really bad part. It would be so much easier if he could have just said ‘F*** off” or “Don’t talk to me ever again” But nooooo…he has to like me back. And he’s cute and funny and he has an actual CAREER instead of just a job (which M has a job…not a career…and he is taking forever to go back to school and he doesn’t know what he wants to do…blah blah blah). He’s smart, he’s laid back. He LOVES my son. And that’s a really hard quality to find in a guy with the rest of those wonderful qualities. He’s just a little older…(I’m 22, he’s 27). But it’s like the first time I met him (when he wasn’t my boss….does that still make it illegal? haha) I felt something. But then I didn’t see him for like 4 months after that….he was supposed to move back to his home state about 10 hours away…but decided to stick around up here and work here for a while instead.

I don’t really know why I’m writing all of this. I just need to get it out. It’s building up inside me. No, Mr. Boss and I have not done anything…we went out to breakfast at a restaurant. That’s it. But oh my gosh the urge that I have to hug him and kiss him…it’s overwhelming. And it’s driving me completely INSANE.

Epiphany

—a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.

Yes, I’ve had one of those recently. Today, I realized that I want to be with M. I really do. After Saturday night and all the things that were said, and everything that happened, well I finally understood. Since I’ve been with M, I haven’t been in a situation where I would have been able to cheat on him, until Saturday night. And I chose not to. I chose to be mature and make the right decision because I had someone at home that I love and care for very deeply. I don’t ever want to lose him.

Even after all of the fights we’ve had, all of the screaming, not talking to one another, walking out, crying, and punching and throwing inanimate objects, I still love him. We’ve gotten through the worst. Now the best is yet to come. I am going to make this a short post and end it with some lyrics that I love…

 

“Every now and then I get a little lost
My strings all get tangled, my wires all get crossed
Every now and then I’m right up on the edge
Dangling my toes out over the ledge
I just thank God you’re here
‘Cause when I’m a bullet shot out of a gun
‘Cause when I’m a firecracker comin’ undone
Or when I’m a fugitive ready to run, all wild-eyed and crazy
No matter where my reckless soul takes me
Baby you save me”

“‘Cause it’s the first long kiss on a second date.
Momma’s all worried when you get home late
And droppin’ the ring in the spagetti plate,
‘Cause your hands are shakin’ so much.
And it’s the way she looks with the rice in her hair.
Eating burnt suppers the whole first year,
And askin’ for seconds to keep her from tearin’ up.
Yeah, man, that’s The Good Stuff.”

Ordinary note, really don’t think so
Not a love this true
Common destiny
We were meant to be
Me and you

Like a perfect scene from a movie screen
We’re a dream come true
Suited perfectly for eternity
Me and you

Every day, I need you even more
And the night time too
There’s no way
I could ever let you go
Even if I wanted to

Every day I live
Try my best to give
All I have to you
Thank the stars above
That we share this love Me and you

Every day, I need you even more
And the night time too
There’s no way
I could ever let you go
Even if I wanted to

Ordinary no, I really don’t think so
Just a precious few
Ever make it last
Get as lucky as
Me and you
Me and you

I love Kenny Chesney…..can’t you tell? 

So…I Had A Baby

Yea, I did. Amazing right? And it didn’t even hurt that bad…haha. Here, I’ll start from the beginning since I haven’t really updated since the shower.

Well, I took off work starting February 8th because I figured the little guy would be early. I had been having contractions on and off for about 2 weeks and still nothing. March 1st (my due date) came and went. Finally, on March 4th I went back to the doctor and they said I would be induced Sunday March 9th at 7:00am. It felt like forever, but Sunday finally came around. M took me to the hospital and I got all set up in a labor and delivery room. They hooked me up with an IV and placed some sort of tablet in my cervix to soften it so it would dilate faster. About 4 hours later, they came in and checked my cervix and it had only dilated to two centimeters! They decided to give me the other half of the pill and start me on Pytocin. That kick started my contractions (which I was already having, they were just slow and irregular). This became quite painful. I couldn’t have an epidural until I was five centimeters dilated. That took forever! Around 2:30pm, I reached the 5 cm mark and the anesethiologist came in and gave me an epidural. Before this, I was in tons of pain so I got two doses of Staidol (or however it’s spelled). Once I got the epidural, things really got going. Around 8pm I felt the baby drop and there was a lot of pressure on my cervix. The nurse came in and checked me and she said it was almost time. About an hour and 15 minutes later, the doctor came in and I started pushing. I was a good pusher because 19 minutes later Peyton Conner Sullivan was born. 9:34pm 8 lbs 2 oz and 21.5 inches long. My beautiful baby boy was finally here!

I didn’t actually get to my hospital room until about midnight. M stayed with me both Sunday and Monday night. I went home on Tuesday afternoon after my bath class. The first week was rough because I was healing and it was hard to take care of a baby and be in a lot of pain. M and my mom were a lot of help. Now, nearly a month later, we are all doing great.

This Sunday I’m moving back to my dad’s house and a few weeks after that M is moving in with me. We are going to save money to get our own place, hopefully by the end of this summer. Well, I just thought I’d update everyone on life. I haven’t had much time with M, so this Saturday before the move, my mom is watching Peanut and we are going out for the day/night. I can’t wait!