Chicken Fried

My PTCB is tomorrow. I’m scared :-X I think I’ll do ok though. Well, hopefully. After that I’m going to work for a while so I can finish getting things straightened out. I work at a new store now (not sure if I already mentioned that or not). It’s a lot of fun. I love the people. The enviornment is a lot more comfortable as well. Makes me feel a lot better. My old store was really….uptight I suppose. Anyway…

I think M and I are done. We haven’t spoken in 3 days and we still live with each other. I believe I’m going to ask him to move out (since it’s my fathers house) either tomorrow or Sunday. It’s just horrible that he can’t grow up and take responsibility for anything. He does a lot of bad things that I won’t mention in here (nothing bad towards me, just bad habits I HATE). It just gets old after a while. I figured that once we had Lil P he would straighten up a little and get his priorities straight. But apparently his priorities haven’t changed. Lil P and I are about 4th or 5th on his priority list instead of 1st and 2nd. It’s just…not good. And his family is sooo amazing. I love them to death. It’s going to be sad to let them go. They are all so loving and caring and such nice people.

I’m so scared to take this next step in my life. M and I have been together for 2.5 years now. There is so much I want to write but I can’t find the words. We have tons of good memories, but the memories that really stick out is the ones when we were fighting and screaming at each other. Especially when I was pregnant.  I love him a lot. He deserves love that I can’t give him though. We have grown apart, not closer as the time has passed. That’s not how it is supposed to work. If you love each other and want that love to last, you work things out. You don’t make snide remarks towards each other (mostly him towards me). You don’t call names and dismiss your responsibilities because you are mad at your significant other. (again, him). It’s just not right. I don’t really know what else to say except for right now, I feel so alone.

My parents are going to hate me. His family is going to hate me. Everyone in my life is going to feel hate towards me. I don’t want that at all. It’s the worst feeling in the world to know that the people you love (and taht supposedly love you) feel disappointment and hatred towards you. It just plain…sucks.

I feel like everything is coming to an end. I’m so glad I have my baby boy. I don’t know what I would do without him. I’m scared. I’ve been crying for a little while now. I don’t know what to do.

Always Gone

It seems like every time M and I have a day off together, he always makes plans with his friends to go do something. He is with his friends all the time when Peyton is at the babysitters during the week and he is usually with them every Monday (when I work and he doesn’t). It sucks…all I want to do is be with him for more than 1 hour at a time, and I can’t even do that. My bad day is back again….I had a horrible day on Thursday…this is what I wrote on my Blackberry at work…

Sometimes I have days when all I want to do is lay in bed and cry. I feel like no one wants to be arond me. On those days it feels like the world is out to get me. I feel like my own son doesn’t even love me. Usually a hugh and kiss from M would cure this, but recently nothing seems to help. Not even venting to a friend or writing my feelings down. Life physically hurts on those days. I don’t know who to turn to. I feel so ugly when this happens. My face breaks out because of the stress and this makes it worse. I have no appetite and no will or want to accomplish anything. I need help. I feel like the only reason I have to live is because my son needs a mom. Sometimes it doesn’t seem like he needs me and that hurts. M will joke and say the baby hates me and it feels like this is true sometimes.”

As a continuation from that….it seems like whenever Lil P is around me, he is either crying or fussy. Then as soon as M comes home, he is fine. I hate feeling like a bad mother all the time. I feel like I fail at everything I do. I was actually having a fairly good day until I just spoke with M on the phone and he said that tomorrow he is playing golf with his ex-roomie Brad at 2:30 then going to play basketball at 5:30, then going back to Brad’s house to hang out, so he won’t be home until late. M won’t wake up tomorrow until about 12pm, so I will get to spend about an hour with him before he leaves to go play golf. By the time M gets home I’ll be in bed because I have to work at 9am Monday morning. He will get mad at me for being asleep when he gets home at midnight (or later) and won’t talk to me until I come home from work Monday night. I hate this a lot. I see my friends maybe….once a month, if that. He sees his friends on a daily basis. Not fair at all.

I know that life isn’t supposed to be fair, but you would think that your own boyfriend would want you to be happy and spend quality time with you. Nope, not mine. He would much rather be with friends. Don’t get me wrong, he loves his son so much and would do anything for him. I just wish he felt the same way about me.

Honestly, sometimes I wish I could just end the relationship. I know it would be bad for the baby, but it’s not healthy for me to be with someone who doesn’t love me, though he says he does. M says he would do anything for me and that he loves me and no one else. I find the first part VERY hard to believe. And the second part….well, we won’t go there. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I have had so many ups and downs lately. I just can’t wait until I finish my Bachelors degree so I can move and get away from everything with my baby.