I Know What’s Wrong With Me!

I finally have figured out what is wrong with me. What has been wrong with me my whole life up until this very point in time. It is such an obvious thing, but I suppose I just needed someone else’s guidance to figure it out. Donald Miller and his bestseller “Blue Like Jazz” help me do just that. This book has completely changed my life for the better. There are so many similarities and situations that Miller writes about that I can completely relate to in his book. Towards the end of the book he has a chapter about “how to really love yourself”, and never once did I think that I didn’t love myself until reading these specific pages.

I really didn’t love myself. I put myself down all the time. I tell myself I’m ugly, fat, and I have a bad personality. I tell myself that other people don’t like me. I tell myself that I am not a good person and I don’t deserve to receive the love of others. The last part of that sentence is the most important. If you don’t love yourself, you can’t receive the love that someone else is giving you, and that has been my problem my whole life. I haven’t been able to love myself, so I haven’t been able to receive the love of others. Once I read this chapter, so many things became clear to me.

My past relationships haven’t worked out because I haven’t been able to love myself. I fight with those whom I love because I don’t love myself. I don’t trust myself to make the right decisions, so I don’t. I judge people when they shouldn’t be judged. I make fun of people and I took everything that everyone said the wrong way. Well, from this day forward, that isn’t going to happen. I’m not going to sit around and talk bad about myself anymore, silently to myself or to anyone at all for that matter. I’m going to stop judging people and treat them the way they should be treated. Everyone on this earth has a story, and I want to be a part of their story. I’m not going to make fun of people or laugh at them because of stereotypical differences. The realization that I had today after finishing the book was outstanding, indescribable. I can’t put it into words, but the feeling was amazing.

I am so thankful for everything and everyone in my life. God’s love has overwhelmed me with happiness and it shall continue to do so until I meet Him. This whole experience has been tough, trying to find God and realizing what He is all about. But finally, I’ve made it, and I couldn’t be happier. I’m living proof that you don’t need a church and a pastor to help you find God. The journey to find God is a personal one, and you have to want to find Him before you can even start. I have prayed for a long time that this day would come, and it has, it finally has. Life will truly never be the same from this point on.

Change is in the air, and I can’t wait to start the next chapter in my life, on my new journey, not just with God, but with my family and friends being seen in a new light by me.

Day 07 – Someone Who Has Made Your Life Worth Living For

Well, I might just be a tad greedy on this post and name two someone’s that have made my life worth living. Actually, make that three. Eh, I can’t help it. First and foremost, I must say God. Knowing that I always have someone to turn to no matter what is life changing in itself. God is always there, watching and helping in time of need. I know that I am alive today because of the choices that He helped me make throughout my life. Secondly, I have to say Lil P. Without him, my life would feel void. He is a part of me and that will never change. He is my one and only (well, at least until I have more kids haha). Third and lastly, I’d definitely say Cody. Over the past six months, he has become the person that I know that I am going to spend the rest of my life with. Well, I knew that since day one, but the more time I spend with him, the deeper in love I fall. I know that he will always be there for me no matter what, and I love him for that.

That’s What You Get

Tonight I was driving home and I had a moment that was so surreal. The sun was setting as a backdrop to Paramore’s song “That’s What You Get” and I just knew. I knew that I am where I’m supposed to be. I’m living the life that I’m supposed to live. I knew that God was looking down on me with a smile because He was happy that I finally came to this realization. I feel so…different. It’s a weird feeling…great, but weird. I want to change. Live a better life. And for the first time, I finally feel as if I can actually do it. I feel like I can change. Before, whenever I made a post about changing, I always knew that I’d go back to my old ways. That I would end up at the starting line instead of the finish line. Now I feel that when I say I’m going to change, I really am. Things are different.

I’ve been reading this book called “Velvet Elvis” by Rob Bell. It’s a really good book. No, not good…it’s AMAZING. It’s revolutionary in my opinion. I’m not really sure what inspired me to buy it. I saw the book listed as a favorite on a few facebook pages and I decided to check it out. I’m now about halfway through, and it’s just crazy how much this book relates to me. I know a lot of the statements are very generalized so he can reach out to a wide audience, yet at the same time, it feels like he wrote this book for me to read. I love books like this. It’s changing my life.

Anyway, those two paragraphs were very…serious. On a side note: My feet stink. Badly. I think I need to buy some new shoes for work since I’ve been wearing these for a year. The stink is permanent. Yuck. Another side note: I also got my hair cut…aka bangs. The girl only charged me $5 bucks too since it was just a “trim”. I was extremely happy. Not too happy about the fact that I have to re-train my hair to lay a certain way. Hopefully it learns to lay correctly before I head to the beach this weekend!

Yes, I am going to VA Beach for 2 nights. I’m so happy. I get to go with the love of my life sans child as well. Yeah, I will miss Peyton like crazy, but this is a much needed trip for some alone time and just…relaxation and not having to worry about A THING. I can’t wait! Well…I better get off to my history homework and…take care of this stinky feet problem. Ick.

I’m Really Going To Try This Time Around.

In the past I have made some bad decisions. I have chose the wrong paths many times and I want to stop doing that. I always make promises or set goals (that are achievable) but I never follow through. I really thought about whyI don’t follow through on the things that really matter to me and it was simple. I didn’t have the willpower. Now that I am starting a new chapter in my life with the new house, I believe it’s time to “man up” and start living up to the goals I set and the promises I make. I know that I need to start acting like a responsible adult instead of a teenager that only cares about herself.

I believe that God can help me through these times if I really turn to Him. I have never really been a devout Christian, but I think it’s time to start doing the right thing and living by his word instead of doing what I want to do and not caring. Everyday people (including myself) are faced with tough decisions. We can choose the right decision or we can choose the decision that is wrong. Everyday I choose wrong decisions. Whether it’s breaking my promise to not order lunch at work (in order to save money) or if it’s not keeping my rooms clean (I hate messes, but am too lazy to actually clean them). I need to start doing the things that I say I’m going to do. If I keep on the path that I am on right now, I will continue hurting the ones around me. I will also not be happy with myself (which I’m not right now).

I have so much stress in my life right now and I know that most of it is actually my fault. Sometimes I overanalyze things way too much and that causes stress as well. I always feel anxious and nervous and it’s not good for my health. I know that if I really try hard this times things will eventually get better and stay that way. I have faith that I can do it…it will just take some time. I just need to believe and have faith in myself before I can truly change anything.

Sorry I am babbling so much. Honestly…I just need to write to get things out sometimes, just like 90% of the population haha. Hopefully things will start to look up for me. These are the things that I want to accomplish by the end of February…

1. Move into the house.
2. Start saving at least $50.00 a month.
3. Do NOT buy lunch at work anymore.
4. Have more patience when it comes to my relationships.
5. Learn to cook a few simple meals.
6. DO NOT BUY useless stuff that I DON’T NEED. (this is the biggest one…I’m a shopaholic and it needs to end NOW!)

I really know deep down inside that I can change. I will probably start writing in here more to help me out. Thanks for listening!

Christianity

Religion is something I’ve never really thought of as important. As a child, I went to church occasionally (mostly on holidays and a few random Sundays) but never took anything seriously. I would eat candy, draw on notepads, and talk during the service because I was too young to fully understand what was going on. My parents stopped taking me to church when I was about nine years old. Since then I’ve been maybe twice with a friend of mine. This past January, our pharmacy got a new pharmacist and he is very religious. At first I thought this was going to be a horrible experience, but I’ve noticed myself changing quite a bit (for the better). Before he left for his three week vacation about a month ago, he took me aside and asked me about my beliefs and a few other things. At first I was a little uncomfortable with it, but once we really started talking, I realized that I need to have a relationship with God. His thoughts inspired me to better myself (so far it’s working…very slowly though). He told me that he did not want to see me go to Hell because I did not believe Jesus Christ was my savior. I cried a little during the conversation and he told me that everything would be ok. It would take time, but he believed that I could do it.

I don’t believe that I am a bad person, and neither does he (nor anyone else I hope!). I have obviously committed sins in my life (I am pregnant and not married, I’ve done drugs, cursed, stolen, etc) but I honestly do believe that Jesus will forgive me for these sins as long as I take him into my life and start changing NOW. I guess I just have a few questions for anyone out there who is Christian and willing to help someone in need….

1. I want to go to church, but I have no idea where to start looking into churches or which type of church to go to. Any advice?
2. Can my baby be christianed even though the parents are not married?
3. How did you change your life once you accepted God into it?
4. What steps should I take to start bettering myself?

If someone could maybe share their experience with me, that would be great. I guess I’m just stuck in between a rock and a hard place. I am surrounded by people who constantly curse, do things they really shouldn’t do, haven’t accepted God, etc. I know this makes it harder for me to change, but most of these people I care about deeply and I can not afford to lose the relationship I have with them (one of these people includes my boyfriend). Thank you to anyone who can offer any advice!