A Change Is Gonna Come

Or I should say changes. For one, I’m done with spending money on unhealthy food like soda and snacks. The next time I go grocery shopping I’m not buying anything unhealthy. It’s probably part of the reason I have headaches and I’m so tired all the time. Since I’ve moved from my mom’s house it feels like I’ve been eating more and I think that’s because I’m eating unhealthy. So no more of that. Plus I don’t want my son to grow up addicted to sugar and sweet stuff. I’m putting my foot down now.

I’m also going to not buy anything unless I absolutely need it. I’ve been buying clothes and stuff that I don’t really need because I have plenty. I have plenty of clothes and I don’t need anymore. Unless it’s something for Peyton, I’m not buying it. I’m tired of being so selfish with my money especially since I don’t have much of it.

I also need to get a few things in order. I have to think about other people before myself. Therefore I need to start cleaning more around the house when I’m not working. I always feel like I need time to myself, so when Peyton is at Mike’s and I don’t have to work until later or at all, I always take time and just lounge around and stuff. Well that’s pretty unproductive especially when I could be cleaning or doing laundry or dishes. So no more laying around doing nothing because it’s pointless. I guess in a way I don’t deserve time to myself because I need to take care of others like Peyton and Cody. I know that I don’t do nearly enough for either of them so I’m going to start doing more.

Another change which is probably the biggest is that every Sunday I’ll be going to church from now on. I loved Kristen’s church (NLCC) where I went today. The people are really friendly and the atmosphere is really laid back and fun. I enjoyed it a lot and I plan to go back even though the drive kinda sucks. I just hope next week Peyton will want to maybe stay with the other kids so he can have fun with them.

I know that I always say that I’m going to make changes and usually they don’t happen, but I feel like I have the power to change now because I have God in my life. I wrote a really long journal entry when I was at work one day and I will definitely type it up and post it. I will have to leave a little of it out because it’s extremely personal though. I’m off to take the trash to the dump now and then to return Peyton’s clothes since they don’t fit him at the mall. I hope everyone has a great day!

Take Control

I need to take control of my life. Things have gotten so out of hand I don’t even know what’s going on half the time. Lately I’ve been getting angry at every little thing. I don’t know how to stop though. Sometimes life just goes haywire and you have to be the responsible one to put it back together, but I feel like I can’t do that unless I have help of some sort. I’m just not sure how to go about it. I purchased a book from amazon called, “Change Your Brain, Change Your Life” so I really hope that helps. I may try to read some tonight since I’m caught up on my daily school work. Papers are another story which is why I’m stressed out as well.

I just need to learn to manage my time. I think I’m going to start staying on campus in between classes for the most part. If I do leave campus, I’ll make up the lost time that I could have been working on papers after Peyton goes to bed. I’m refusing to let this semester end on a bad note. I can’t keep letting myself fall into these ruts. I know that I need to make changes in my life, but it feels like whenever I think about them, something else always presides over it and the thought of change gets lost among the many other thoughts swarming around in my head. I need to figure out how to put the changes beside the other thoughts and have a chart in my head instead of stuff just swarming around like honeybees near a hive. My inner thoughts need to resemble the hive not the bees.

The Spring 2011 semester only has 3 real weeks left. Then it’s finals then we are done. I’m excited but nervous at the same time. I really want to do well in my classes to prove to everyone that I’m not a loser. That I can succeed. I have all A’s right now, but I’m sure by the time finals are over, they will be B’s or C’s. As long as I pass, I’ll be happy, but A’s make me much happier. I’ve got classes already lined up for fall semester, and I’m taking five. Should be pretty interesting. I need to look on the bright side of things instead of the bad side because I need to be more optimistic.

Ok, enough ranting, I have to go to class.

A New Dawn

So New Year’s Eve is tomorrow. I can’t believe it’s already here. It’s amazing how fast a year can go by, especially when you have kids. Ever since I had P, my life has just raced on by me. I always make stupid resolutions like “don’t eat red meat” or “exercise five times a week”. Things I know that I’ll never do past the month of January. This New Year, I’m going to approach the resolution making in a different aspect. I’m going to set goals that I actually WANT and NEED to accomplish, not nonsense things that don’t really matter. I don’t really think that a person needs a new year to start making changes in their life, but I suppose I should start somewhere, so here’s to a new year in 2011, hopefully greater than 2010!

My Resolutions:

1. Become more organized. I have really tried hard this year to become organized, and I have succeeded a little. I’ve started saving doctor bills and receipts that are of importance. I just need to get a better filing system and start writing down things more often. If I can accomplish that, it would be a big milestone. Being organized is so much easier than not, and I really need to do this to create a more pleasant life for myself and my son.

2. Spend more quality time with P. I do spend a lot of time with my son, don’t get me wrong, but since I live with my mom, a lot of his attention goes to her since she spoils him so much. I’ve been grateful to have a cheap place to live for the past year and a half, but finally, it’s time to move on. I think that by moving out, I will be able to spend more actual time with my son, and it will mean more since it will be with him and I, not my mom as well.

3. Financially plan better. This year had a lot of unexpected expenses, especially towards the end with the MRI, EEG, and many doctors appointments. This year, I want to start keeping track of how I spend money, where it goes, and what I need to do to save more. I have a savings account that I’m putting money into, and I have an account for tithe (which I just recently started after reading Blue Like Jazz), but I want to be able to contribute more to those accounts. That means less spending on my part. It will be hard at first, but I know I can do it. I will be writing down everything I spend money on for a month and see how my money goes out. Then I will figure out where to cut back so I can start saving more than I have been.

4. Go to church and get involved! This I believe was on my list last year, but never successfully got accomplished. This year, it will. I’ve finally found a church that seems like it’s going to be great. I’m going to attend this Sunday to find out for sure. It’s contemporary which is what I’ve been looking for. I’ve been to a lot of different churches in my life, never attending the same one multiple times (except Mountain View, but I was a child then) because the services never really moved me. I really liked my ex’s church, but that’s in Ashburn, VA and I can’t afford to drive there every Sunday since it’s about an hour away. Hopefully when I attend Sunday, everything will be amazing. I think God is pointing me in the right direction.

5. Control my frustration better. I get frustrated very easily with things, and I sometimes sign, huff, and yell. I want to cut that out. I’ve been getting a little better about it recently, but I want to be able to not have to worry about getting irritated at small things that I shouldn’t. Hopefully when I move out, there will be less stress and I won’t have that problem anymore. I think by going to church and getting involved with the community more will make that better too. Right now I don’t have an outlet…I don’t see anyone but my mom, Jeff, and P on a daily basis, and I suppose I get lonely sometimes. Or maybe just bored.

Well, that’s about it for now, mainly because I’m sick and my medicine is starting to kick in. I hope everyone has a wonderful New Year! God Bless!

I Know What’s Wrong With Me!

I finally have figured out what is wrong with me. What has been wrong with me my whole life up until this very point in time. It is such an obvious thing, but I suppose I just needed someone else’s guidance to figure it out. Donald Miller and his bestseller “Blue Like Jazz” help me do just that. This book has completely changed my life for the better. There are so many similarities and situations that Miller writes about that I can completely relate to in his book. Towards the end of the book he has a chapter about “how to really love yourself”, and never once did I think that I didn’t love myself until reading these specific pages.

I really didn’t love myself. I put myself down all the time. I tell myself I’m ugly, fat, and I have a bad personality. I tell myself that other people don’t like me. I tell myself that I am not a good person and I don’t deserve to receive the love of others. The last part of that sentence is the most important. If you don’t love yourself, you can’t receive the love that someone else is giving you, and that has been my problem my whole life. I haven’t been able to love myself, so I haven’t been able to receive the love of others. Once I read this chapter, so many things became clear to me.

My past relationships haven’t worked out because I haven’t been able to love myself. I fight with those whom I love because I don’t love myself. I don’t trust myself to make the right decisions, so I don’t. I judge people when they shouldn’t be judged. I make fun of people and I took everything that everyone said the wrong way. Well, from this day forward, that isn’t going to happen. I’m not going to sit around and talk bad about myself anymore, silently to myself or to anyone at all for that matter. I’m going to stop judging people and treat them the way they should be treated. Everyone on this earth has a story, and I want to be a part of their story. I’m not going to make fun of people or laugh at them because of stereotypical differences. The realization that I had today after finishing the book was outstanding, indescribable. I can’t put it into words, but the feeling was amazing.

I am so thankful for everything and everyone in my life. God’s love has overwhelmed me with happiness and it shall continue to do so until I meet Him. This whole experience has been tough, trying to find God and realizing what He is all about. But finally, I’ve made it, and I couldn’t be happier. I’m living proof that you don’t need a church and a pastor to help you find God. The journey to find God is a personal one, and you have to want to find Him before you can even start. I have prayed for a long time that this day would come, and it has, it finally has. Life will truly never be the same from this point on.

Change is in the air, and I can’t wait to start the next chapter in my life, on my new journey, not just with God, but with my family and friends being seen in a new light by me.