Always Gone
It seems like every time M and I have a day off together, he always makes plans with his friends to go do something. He is with his friends all the time when Peyton is at the babysitters during the week and he is usually with them every Monday (when I work and he doesn’t). It sucks…all I want to do is be with him for more than 1 hour at a time, and I can’t even do that. My bad day is back again….I had a horrible day on Thursday…this is what I wrote on my Blackberry at work…
Sometimes I have days when all I want to do is lay in bed and cry. I feel like no one wants to be arond me. On those days it feels like the world is out to get me. I feel like my own son doesn’t even love me. Usually a hugh and kiss from M would cure this, but recently nothing seems to help. Not even venting to a friend or writing my feelings down. Life physically hurts on those days. I don’t know who to turn to. I feel so ugly when this happens. My face breaks out because of the stress and this makes it worse. I have no appetite and no will or want to accomplish anything. I need help. I feel like the only reason I have to live is because my son needs a mom. Sometimes it doesn’t seem like he needs me and that hurts. M will joke and say the baby hates me and it feels like this is true sometimes.”
As a continuation from that….it seems like whenever Lil P is around me, he is either crying or fussy. Then as soon as M comes home, he is fine. I hate feeling like a bad mother all the time. I feel like I fail at everything I do. I was actually having a fairly good day until I just spoke with M on the phone and he said that tomorrow he is playing golf with his ex-roomie Brad at 2:30 then going to play basketball at 5:30, then going back to Brad’s house to hang out, so he won’t be home until late. M won’t wake up tomorrow until about 12pm, so I will get to spend about an hour with him before he leaves to go play golf. By the time M gets home I’ll be in bed because I have to work at 9am Monday morning. He will get mad at me for being asleep when he gets home at midnight (or later) and won’t talk to me until I come home from work Monday night. I hate this a lot. I see my friends maybe….once a month, if that. He sees his friends on a daily basis. Not fair at all.
I know that life isn’t supposed to be fair, but you would think that your own boyfriend would want you to be happy and spend quality time with you. Nope, not mine. He would much rather be with friends. Don’t get me wrong, he loves his son so much and would do anything for him. I just wish he felt the same way about me.
Honestly, sometimes I wish I could just end the relationship. I know it would be bad for the baby, but it’s not healthy for me to be with someone who doesn’t love me, though he says he does. M says he would do anything for me and that he loves me and no one else. I find the first part VERY hard to believe. And the second part….well, we won’t go there. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I have had so many ups and downs lately. I just can’t wait until I finish my Bachelors degree so I can move and get away from everything with my baby.
Urgent Care
So yesterday Peyton got sick. I had to take him to the doctor and he can’t have anything but Pedialyte until he stops throwing up. Poor baby….I feel so bad for him. Now my stupid computer is acting up….grrrrrrrr. The mouse is going whack-o. Oh well…its life. All the bad stuff hits at once…
Now I’m sick. I had to go to the Urgent Care center and got a $50.00 co-pay for some BS doctor to tell me that I need to see a specialist for my headaches. Booooo…and he told me there was nothing he could give me for my extreme and excessive tiredness, massive headaches, and body pain. Who knows what’s wrong with me. Probably nothing, but I feel awful. I am so tired all the time and I get these really bad headaches EVERYDAY.
Yea…I spent 2 hours in this tiny room….waiting…and waiting. It was horrible. Not even a magazine. Just an examining table, sink, and a chair. It was the worst experience of my life. If I had someone waiting with me, it wouldn’t have been so bad. Eh, it’s over and done with.
I believe I’m going to go read some Psychology. Get prepared for my long haul ahead for my bachleors degree. Woooo Hooo…Go me.
Charitable Donation + Blackberry = Feeling Good
Yesterday at work this lady calls and wants her medication refilled. She told me that her entire house was lost in a house fire…EVERYTHING is gone. I talked to her for nearly a half hour, and soon after, started to feel really bad about her loss. I decided to go around CVS and purchase a few necessities that she would be needing such as shampoo, conditioner, toothbrushes and toothpaste, a first aid kit, etc. I also bought her nail polish and a robe. I only spent $30.00. I really hope she comes in when I’m there so I can surprise her! It made me feel so good to help someone out. I even bought a card and the pharmacist and I both signed it. I hope she likes her gifts!
Anyway…lately I’ve been having headaches nearly everyday. I don’t really know what’s causing them. They are pretty bad though so I think I might go to a doctor if they don’t go away. Advil and Tylenol don’t really help. Excedrin never helps me. I guess I’ll just deal with them haha.
Now for the most exciting news….(not really….). I got the Blackberry Pearl!!! This is exactly what mine looks like…
Yea, nice. I love it so far. The texting is sort of weird because its like a normal computer keyboard, but there are two letters on some keys. But it spells out works and stuff so its ok. I’ll learn fast. I love the trackball. I think that is the best part. I just got it a few hours ago, so I”ll let everyone know how it works!
Peyton has been grumpy lately. He is always fighting sleep. I feel bad for him. Poor guy…he just wants to stay up and play with everyone. He is asleep now but might wake up around 10pm for one last bottle.
Well, I hope everyone has a good weekend!
Epiphany
—a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.
Yes, I’ve had one of those recently. Today, I realized that I want to be with M. I really do. After Saturday night and all the things that were said, and everything that happened, well I finally understood. Since I’ve been with M, I haven’t been in a situation where I would have been able to cheat on him, until Saturday night. And I chose not to. I chose to be mature and make the right decision because I had someone at home that I love and care for very deeply. I don’t ever want to lose him.
Even after all of the fights we’ve had, all of the screaming, not talking to one another, walking out, crying, and punching and throwing inanimate objects, I still love him. We’ve gotten through the worst. Now the best is yet to come. I am going to make this a short post and end it with some lyrics that I love…
“Every now and then I get a little lost
My strings all get tangled, my wires all get crossed
Every now and then I’m right up on the edge
Dangling my toes out over the ledge
I just thank God you’re here
‘Cause when I’m a bullet shot out of a gun
‘Cause when I’m a firecracker comin’ undone
Or when I’m a fugitive ready to run, all wild-eyed and crazy
No matter where my reckless soul takes me
Baby you save me”
Momma’s all worried when you get home late
And droppin’ the ring in the spagetti plate,
‘Cause your hands are shakin’ so much.
And it’s the way she looks with the rice in her hair.
Eating burnt suppers the whole first year,
And askin’ for seconds to keep her from tearin’ up.
Yeah, man, that’s The Good Stuff.”
Not a love this true
Common destiny
We were meant to be
Me and you
Like a perfect scene from a movie screen
We’re a dream come true
Suited perfectly for eternity
Me and you
Every day, I need you even more
And the night time too
There’s no way
I could ever let you go
Even if I wanted to
Every day I live
Try my best to give
All I have to you
Thank the stars above
That we share this love Me and you
Every day, I need you even more
And the night time too
There’s no way
I could ever let you go
Even if I wanted to
Ordinary no, I really don’t think so
Just a precious few
Ever make it last
Get as lucky as
Me and you
Me and you
I love Kenny Chesney…..can’t you tell?
Free Fallin
So yesterday was good and not so good. M and I fought about all day. It was HORRIBLE. I’ve never felt so crappy in my entire life. I ended up going out with Kristen, getting drunk, and hanging out with my ex-boyfriend and his friends. No, I didn’t cheat on M. I never would. I just had to get out and go do something. I can’t stand being cooped up in the house all the time while he gets to go out whenever he wants. So I got it out of my system.
This morning we made up and now everything is peachy-keen again. His friend Sean is up from South Carolina and is staying the night tonight. Right now they are at Brad’s house watching the NBA finals. They are coming home after that. We decided to make comprimises for each other. Hopefully it all works out. I’ve honestly never felt so sad and disappointed before. Now it’s much better.
Today I actually did some work. I cleaned the bedroom and bathroom, got the internet fixed on my dad’s desktop, and I even gave Peanut a bath all by myself! Usually I have my dad hold his head up or at least be near in case something happens…I’m so paranoid around babies. But everything went very well. I’m pretty tired tonight…I didn’t get in until 2am last night. I’ll probably watch a movie then hit the hay after I finish posting.
I deleted my myspace and made a new one. The old one just had a lot of bad memories and stuff in it, so I got rid of it and started fresh. I have tomorrow off work, so that is exciting. But I have to work Saturday…not so exciting…I believe I will finish up my accounting homework and head to bed. Hope everyone had a great weekend!
My Lips Hurt
Yes, my lips do hurt. They are extremely chapped because of the weather. And I can’t find a lip balm that will stay on and actually moisturize my lips for more than 5 minutes. Anyway, I figured I’d make a semi-interesting post with reviews of the make-up that I use on a daily basis. Here it goes…
1. Foundation – Neutrogena SkinClearing® oil-free compact foundation in True Beige
I recommend this liquid to powder foundation to anyone, especially those who have sensitive or acne-prone skin. It has a salicylic acid in it which helps clear up skin. It also goes on light and it stays on for about 12 hours. It blends nicely into the skin and has a very natural finish! It’s a little more expensive than normal foundation (around $12.99 at CVS), but it works great.
2. Blush – Revlon A Floral Affair Sheer Powder Blush in Pinking Of You
This blush from Revlon is really nice. It goes on light and it has a nice design that looks pretty but is also useful. You can use the lighter colors to highlight cheekbones while the pinks are used to define cheeks and color them. It’s a nice combination of color and it’s not too expensive (around $5.99 at CVS).
3. Covergirl Eye Enchancers 4 Color Kit in Coffee Shop
Covergirl has opened up a new door for me with this 4 shadow kit. I use all 4 colors at once. I start with one of the two medium shades and swipe it over my eyelid. Then I use the other medium shade and brush on the inner and outer corners of the eye. The lightest shade gets swept across the brow bone and the darkest shade gets swept into the crease of my eyelid. It creates a natural look. I do not use the wand it comes with though, I like BRUSHES, not wands. This is a great buy for about $4.99 and it lasts forever!
4. Loreal Le Kohl Eyeliner in Carbon Black
This eyeliner is really great. It goes on really smooth and stays put. It’s actually the first eyeliner I’ve used that doesn’t smudge or wear off after putting it on. It also comes in carbon black which is great because it’s a lot darker than just ebony or black eyeliner. It goes for about $5.99 at CVS.
5. Neutrogena Healthy Volume Mascara in Carbon Black
This mascara does wonders with my eyelashes. I have very thin, fragile eyelashes and this mascara makes them stand out a lot. I have yet to have a clump either! It goes on smooth, one swipe will get you full coverage. And it lasts all day and doesn’t rub off. It runs around $6.99 at CVS.
6. Neutrogena Moistureshine Lip Gloss in Fizz
This lipgloss is a pretty color and it does help lock in moisture. The only thing I don’t like about it is that you don’t get a lot of bang for your buck and there is only one color that I like out of the 14 shades that are offered. I’m currently looking for a new lip gloss, but haven’t found one yet. This will cost you about $7.99 at CVS.
I also use just regular chapstick to help keep my lips moisturized. I will talk about a few other products that I use on a daily basis. I just won’t go into detail or provide pictures of them!
On my face, I use Neutrogena Deep Cleanser (it’s blue with beads). It gets rid of my makeup and helps with breakouts. Plus its really refreshing. I also use Clean and Clear Deep Cleaning Astrigent. It doesn’t smell too awful and it really gets deep down into pores. Once a week I use Biore nose and face strips on my forehead and nose to help with blackheads that accumulate. They work well if you leave them on for about 20 minutes (the package says 15 minutes). I love Noxema razors because they are cheap, disposable, and they work GREAT. They have three blades, come in fun colors, and have a rubber handle so there are no slip ups in the shower. I also use Noxema hair minimizing shave gel. It works ok, I use it more for the scent than the hair minimizer haha. On my hair, I love, love, love John Friedas Brilliant Brunette Shampoo and Conditioner with light and shine enhancers. It smells wonderful and really does make your hair shine, even after one use. And you don’t have to pile it on to get a good lather. I use about a dime size (for my just-above-the-shoulder-length-hair) and it works well. I switch around body washes a lot, but I love Caress cashemere body wash as well as Suave Exhale. For lotion, I use Suave firming lotion and I made my own concoction by adding in Jergens Natural Glow firming lotion. The natural glow makes my skin look orange when used alone, but when I mix it, It works wonders. I also love Bath and Body Works lotion in Sparkling Peach and Freshwater Cucumber. I use Colgate Advance Whitening Gel on my teeth and Act Restoring Mouthwash to prevent cavaties and gingivitis. I have some stretch marks from the pregnancy and I’ve been using Palmers Scar Serum and Mederma on them about 3 times a day.
Well, now that I’ve completely bored the living daylights out of you, I’m done for the rest of the evening. I was really bored and wanted to do something semi-fun. This is what you get! Hope everyone has a great night. Next time I post, there will be pics of Six Flags! I’m going on Monday!!
Tornados
HELP ME!!! I really want to have my own website, but I can’t find cheap hosting with really good plans ANYWHERE! Does anyone know of a good site to buy a domain name from and a site with good CHEAP hosting…CHEAP being the most important of the two. I can only afford about 5-8 dollars a month at most because I’m on a very tight budget, but I really want my own site. Also…if anyone designs layouts for really cheap and can code my site, please let me know! I have always wanted my own site, but never had the chance to own one. I suck big time with HTML, so I’m looking for someone who can design a layout for me and code my site. I’m willing to pay for this too!
I live in Northern Virginia and we actually got hit by 5 different tornados today. The power in half of the county is out, and will be for about 3 to 5 days. Thank God that our power didn’t go out because I have Peyton. No power + 3 month old baby = bad time. Honestly, I don’t really have much to write about. I will be feeding Peyton straight formula until at least the first week of July because cereal is just too much for him now.
I really need to get a pair of glasses with the right prescription in them. I have an old pair but its a completely different RX and all I have are contacts. I do have insurance now, so I suppose I should start getting regular eye and teeth check ups. Insurance is such a nice thing to have 
Today at work I found out that since I am a CVS employee, I get a 25% discount off of my cell phone bill. I also found out that I get discounts at Gold’s Gym, Dell.com, Bestbuy.com, and a few other places. It’s really nice to know that. I’m glad CVS actually gives their employees a few extras (especially since they don’t pay us that well haha). I am going to visit Verizon next Tuesday to get my new phone…the ENV2 and to let them know that I am a CVS employee and I want my discount NOW!
Well, other than those things, life hasn’t been very interesting. Tomorrow I’m going to open a new checking account at Wachovia. That’s exciting…sort of haha. Then next Monday I am going to Six Flags with Mike and his old roommate Brad and his girlfriend. That’s exciting…I LOVE rollercoasters….especially the ones at Six Flags. The Six Flags near us is NEVER busy so that’s good. Hopefully it will be slow so we can ride everything a billion times.
On a random side note, Clinton dropped out of the race. I really hope Obama picks her up as a VP if he wins the election. I really want a democrat in office. We need change…this country has been in the pits way too long.
Well, I doubt I”ll update anytime soon, so everyone enjoy their weekend!
