Baby It’s Cold Outside

I think I may have lost my job at CVS, haha. I haven’t been there in the past 3 days. We had a big snow/ice storm and I couldn’t get out to get to work. My car was covered in about 3 inches of ice. We were open all 3 days, but I couldn’t really help it. Plus I wanted to spend Valentines Day with my boyfriend, which was pretty good. We ended up not giving each other anything, but that doesn’t matter. I love him more than anything and I know that he loves me back. This time its real and I know it.

Anyway, I have an interview at Wachovia next Thursday, so hopefully that goes well. I’ve wanted to get back into working at a bank since I left BB&T and now I have the chance to. I hope it works out. If not, I’ve applied at a few medical offices for receptionist jobs. I hope something works out. Pray for me guys

Friday Feast #2 (I Think)

Appetizer – Have you been sick yet this winter? If so, what did you come down with?
Yes, I’ve been sick a few times. Both with sinus infections and bad colds. Nothing too serious.
Soup – What colors dominate your closet?
Probably blue and black. I have a lot of tan items too. Nothing really dominates too much though.
Salad – How would you describe your personal “comfort zone”?
If you are friendly towards me, that’s how I will act towards you and I will be more open. If you act mean or cold towards me, I’ll seem more evil and cold-hearted (which I’m really not)
Main Course – On which reality show would you really like to be a contestant?
Either Survivor or The Real World. Probably the Real World just because I’m still too much of a teenager.
Dessert – Which holiday would you consider to be your favorite?
I’d have to say either Fourth of July or Christmas. I like summer more than winter, so probably July 4th.

Much Better

So today the sun was shining for at least part of the day. I think I needed that. I felt so much better today…the world wasn’t ending for me, at least not today. Work was better than usual, and things just went pretty smoothly all day. Sure, I had bad moments, but I didn’t feel like I wanted to kill someone after they happened. I suppose some days are better than others.

In other news, it snowed about 3 inches last night. Of course, I still had to work (Boooo) but it was really slow because people couldn’t get out to do anything. Next week it’s supposed to snow a lot, so I’m praying for it. I’d like to have a day off of work to relax and get some stuff done. I got off early today, so I was happy about that. But I only got off early because I have to come in on Saturday for a few hours to learn a bunch of stuff for my position that I’ll be taking this summer. I guess I’m sticking with this job for a while. They just better not screw me over anymore. One more time and as soon as I find another job, I’m OUT.

That’s about it for this update. Not a long one…I’m still reading “A Million Pieces”…a little more than halfway through. I’ll probably finish it tonight because I fell asleep around 7pm last night and didn’t wake up until 8am this morning! It was insane…13 hours of sleep. Mike called around 4am and I was wide awake. I was surprised I slept that much. I think that really helped with the better day too. I didn’t toss and turn and I didn’t wake up 4 million times like usual. My doctor put me on Flexeril for my back, but she said it would help me sleep as well, and it does. So thanks a lot Doc!

Lately I’ve Been Hating Myself

Yea, that’s true. I do hate myself right now. I feel like nothing is right. I feel depressed, angry, sad, confused, and hurt. And the worst part about it is that I don’t really have any reason to feel those things. I feel like everyone is out to get me…that everyone talks about me behind my back and most people that know me hate me, think I’m stupid, ignorant, or unintelligent. They think that I’m worthless. I feel like I don’t deserve a life…or a body to live life in. I don’t want to feel this way. I hate it more than anything. I haven’t felt this way in a really long time either. This is the first time I’ve felt like this in a few years actually. I hate it so much.
I get so angry by the tiniest things too. The past few weeks I’ve been punching things, throwing things, screaming, yelling, crying…I hate it all.
I want it to end. It sucks so bad. I’m going to the doctor tomorrow around 3pm. Maybe she can help me out. I just want everything to feel good again. I want food to taste like it should. I want my heart to not hurt. I want my back pain to go away. I want to feel like a human, not a rock that feels nothing.
I want to feel…I want to be happy. That’s all. I want to not feel jealous of girls that talk to my boyfriend. I want to trust the people that I should trust. I want to feel love and friendliness towards those people. I want to say things and not second guess myself because the world seems to be out to get me.
I know that the world isn’t out to get me. I know that I can trust these people. I KNOW THIS. But for some reason, I just can’t do it and I have no idea why.
Mike wants to go to a division 1 college and play basketball. I know he is going to leave this fall (or next spring) and that hurts so bad. I told him from the beginning that I don’t do long distance relationships and I refuse to break that rule because I think they are pointless and it’s too hard on both people to keep something like that going for a long time.
I can’t take the pain that I’m feeling now, knowing that he’s going to be gone, not with me anymore…and it’s going to be soon. A lot sooner than I want.
I hate everything and I want it all to go away.
Feeling nothing is better than feeling depressed and bad.