Sad.
I’m depressed. I suck at life. I can’t keep feeling like crap. I know I’m wrong. I know I do things to upset people. He’s not coming home tonight.
Self Challenge!
So I bought the magazine “Self” this past week and noticed that they have this thing called a “Self Challenge”. So I’m doing it. It looks fun and it can help you lose weight. They customize meal and workout plans for you and it’s FREE. So yeah. And it even makes a shopping list for you so you don’t have to read the recipes and right down the ingredients. I’m excited. I am actually going to wait and start my meal plan NEXT week because we are moving into the new house this week and it’s pointless for me to go and buy a ton of groceries that will just be left here at my dad’s house.
Anyway…Lil P is up so I don’t have time to write much more. I went out and purchased tons of birthday gifts for M and I really hope he likes them. His birthday was yesterday and Lil P’s birthday is tomorrow! Lil P is having a party on Saturday so that will be exciting. Especially since we will be in the new house then!!!! Ahhhh I can’t wait!!!! I’m trying to take off work on Tuesday so I can move everything then, but I don’t think it’s going to work out that way. I hope it does, but who knows. I am going to show M the challenge and I hope he decides to do it with me so I don’t have to fix seperate dinners every night!
I GOT IN!!!!
So today…in the mail…comes a letter from SU. Which isn’t completely abnormal since I get stuff from them all the time. I figured it was just another thing saying that they were still looking at my application. I open it and see
“Congratulations you have been accepted to SU”
And I nearly peed my pants from excitement. I’m still elated. I get to go to www.su.edu in the fall! How amazing is that?!?! I’m going to study pre-pharmacy and hopefully next year I will be entering my P1 year in Bernard J Dunn Pharmacy School at SU. Ahhhhh I’M SO EXCITED!!!! I’ve been filling out tons of financial aid forms all night. It’s been fun. I have one more to print off and send in then I’m done. Well, not done, but done for now. I can’t wait. I know that I can do this and I’m so blessed to have the chance to prove myself. I won’t mess it up!
Anyway…everything else has been going good. Right now I’m about to fall asleep because I’ve been sick for about two weeks now. I can’t seem to kick this cough I have. Oh well, I’m sure it will go away eventually. I hope everyone has a good weekend coming up! I will write more about SU later on!
I’m Really Going To Try This Time Around.
In the past I have made some bad decisions. I have chose the wrong paths many times and I want to stop doing that. I always make promises or set goals (that are achievable) but I never follow through. I really thought about whyI don’t follow through on the things that really matter to me and it was simple. I didn’t have the willpower. Now that I am starting a new chapter in my life with the new house, I believe it’s time to “man up” and start living up to the goals I set and the promises I make. I know that I need to start acting like a responsible adult instead of a teenager that only cares about herself.
I believe that God can help me through these times if I really turn to Him. I have never really been a devout Christian, but I think it’s time to start doing the right thing and living by his word instead of doing what I want to do and not caring. Everyday people (including myself) are faced with tough decisions. We can choose the right decision or we can choose the decision that is wrong. Everyday I choose wrong decisions. Whether it’s breaking my promise to not order lunch at work (in order to save money) or if it’s not keeping my rooms clean (I hate messes, but am too lazy to actually clean them). I need to start doing the things that I say I’m going to do. If I keep on the path that I am on right now, I will continue hurting the ones around me. I will also not be happy with myself (which I’m not right now).
I have so much stress in my life right now and I know that most of it is actually my fault. Sometimes I overanalyze things way too much and that causes stress as well. I always feel anxious and nervous and it’s not good for my health. I know that if I really try hard this times things will eventually get better and stay that way. I have faith that I can do it…it will just take some time. I just need to believe and have faith in myself before I can truly change anything.
Sorry I am babbling so much. Honestly…I just need to write to get things out sometimes, just like 90% of the population haha. Hopefully things will start to look up for me. These are the things that I want to accomplish by the end of February…
1. Move into the house.
2. Start saving at least $50.00 a month.
3. Do NOT buy lunch at work anymore.
4. Have more patience when it comes to my relationships.
5. Learn to cook a few simple meals.
6. DO NOT BUY useless stuff that I DON’T NEED. (this is the biggest one…I’m a shopaholic and it needs to end NOW!)
I really know deep down inside that I can change. I will probably start writing in here more to help me out. Thanks for listening!
It Ain’t Easy Being Me
So I haven’t written in a really long time. I figured I should update to let everyone know I’m not dead. A lot has happend since the last time updated (including a broken spacebar key on my keyboard…grrrr).
So I worked things out with M. We are slowly working on things. We decided that the main cause was that we are living with my father and brother and that’s just way too many people in a small house. So we (well, the new house is just in his name) bought a townhome. Brand new….http://www.boydscrossing.com. Ours is the second to last one in the row on the main page. Yellow with green shutters. Woooo…it’s sooo beautiful on the inside. I will take tons of pictures the next time that we go visit before moving in. Things already seem better to me, so that’s good. We have been getting along better and not fighting as much. M has also done a complete turn around. He stopped going out at night and he is staying home with Lil P and I a lot more. He has also stopped the bad habits that he has had since I’ve known him. I’m very proud of him. So I hope things work out. I know they will work out for the best no matter what happens.
About the boss….we will call him E. E and I have hung out a few times. He’s a really great guy. We have a lot in common and he is always sweet to me. We act normal at work which is good. Nothing is weird at all. In a way, I think that he may just be an escape for me…he is something that can take me away from my normal life. When I’m with him I forget about all of the worries I have at home. I just have fun and don’t think about anything else. We have a lot of fun together and I’m pretty sure he likes me. I did let him know that I wasn’t trying to take advantage of him or lead him on though. We flirt a lot and we have hung out, but that’s about the extent of it. I don’t think anything will ever become of it. He’s just a great guy that I like being around. End of story.
As for other news…I’m going grocery shopping on Saturday and I’m going to do a detox diet for seven days. No red meat, processed food, sugar, tea, caffiene, gluten, dairy, or chocolate. Which is pretty much all I eat now, so that should be fun. I’m excited. I took this test to see if I needed to detox and it said most definetely. So I’m doing it. I know it will make me feel better. I’m also going to buy a multivitamin and actually take it daily. Along with vitamin E and a probiotic. After I detox, I am not going to eat anymore meat. No fish, no sausage, no bacon, no burgers. Nothing. I’m really going to try hard this time. Every year I vow to be healthy, but this year I’m doing it.
I’ve also been using the Wii Fit lately (oh yes, I bought a Wii…best invention EVER). I’m doing the yoga and strength training every other day. I think it’s starting to work, so hopefully by summertime I can wear a bikini and not feel embarrassed! Wish me luck this time!
Oh yes…I’m so glad that Barack Obama is now the president. And we can say President Barack Obama!!!
New fave song…. Chris Knight “It Aint Easy Being Me”
There ought to be a town somewhere
Named for how I feel
Yeah I could be the mayor down there
And say ‘welcome to sorryville’
It wouldn’t be on a map no where
You might say that it don’t exist
But if you make enough wrong turns
It’da be hard to miss
There ought to a bridge somewhere they could dedicate to me
I’d probably come to the ceremony with a can of gasoline
Walk on over to the other side
Where I’d light a match
Sit and stare through the smoke and flames and wonder how I’m gonna get back
Why do I do the things I do?
Was I born this way or am I self made fool?
I shoot the lights and I curse the dark
I need your love but I break your heart
And I know the words that’ll bring you back but
But I don’t say nothing as I watch you pack
I had to work to become the jerk I’ve come to be
It ain’t easy being me
There oughta be a side show “act”
For freaks like me
I could be the star of the show w/ my name on the marquee
In a room with a big red button that says ‘danger do not touch’
Twice a day I’d mash it down and you can watch me self-destruct
Why do I do the things I do
Was I born this way or am I self made fool
I shoot the lights and I curse the dark
I need your love but I break your heart
And I know the words to get you back but
But I don’t say nothing as I watch you pack
I had to work to become the jerk i’ve come to be
It ain’t easy being me
It ain’t easy being me
Maybe I’m Falling For You
So…I’m completely falling for this guy at work and it’s WRONG in SO many ways. Number one…he is my boss. So that’s a HUGE NO-NO. Ahhhhh….Number two…I’m still technically with M. But I have let him know that I don’t feel the same about him. That I don’t have the same love for him as I once did a long time ago. I think it’s because when Lil P was born, he treated me like crap. I should have broken up with him then….but NOOOO…I’m an idiot and I let him run all over me for about 8 months. Then he changes and it’s different…now I feel like a bitch for not loving him because he changed. Oh…and Number 3 HE’S MY BOSS.
I don’t know what to do. I haven’t felt this strong about someone in a long time. My feelings are literally giving me stomach cramps and headaches because I can’t stop thinking about what I should do. I mean…this guy. He’s amazing. And I’ve told him that. And he knows how I feel. And he likes me too. That’s the really bad part. It would be so much easier if he could have just said ‘F*** off” or “Don’t talk to me ever again” But nooooo…he has to like me back. And he’s cute and funny and he has an actual CAREER instead of just a job (which M has a job…not a career…and he is taking forever to go back to school and he doesn’t know what he wants to do…blah blah blah). He’s smart, he’s laid back. He LOVES my son. And that’s a really hard quality to find in a guy with the rest of those wonderful qualities. He’s just a little older…(I’m 22, he’s 27). But it’s like the first time I met him (when he wasn’t my boss….does that still make it illegal? haha) I felt something. But then I didn’t see him for like 4 months after that….he was supposed to move back to his home state about 10 hours away…but decided to stick around up here and work here for a while instead.
I don’t really know why I’m writing all of this. I just need to get it out. It’s building up inside me. No, Mr. Boss and I have not done anything…we went out to breakfast at a restaurant. That’s it. But oh my gosh the urge that I have to hug him and kiss him…it’s overwhelming. And it’s driving me completely INSANE.
Nuvaring
So I know this is a weird subject to talk about, but my birth control hasn’t been really effective (I’ve had a lot of breakthrough bleeding and such). So I called my doctor and he said to try Nuvaring. At first I was like “There is no way I’m sticking something up there for 3 weeks then taking it out. Ew.” But so far, I like it. I don’t have to worry about taking a pill every morning. I don’t feel anything. It’s nice. The only downfall is that it could possibly slip out during sex (which I’m not really having any at the moment haha). So I have no worries about it now. I will cross that bridge when it comes.
On to other news…nothing much has been happening lately. M and I are…well, trying to work it out. Who knows. He has shown some change recently, so that’s good. But I’m not keeping my hopes up. I just don’t want to be let down again.
Lil P has been really fussy lately and he hasn’t been sleeping well at all. It’s taking a real toll on me. But at least he is good when he is up (for the most part) so I don’t get too frustrated.
I have a secret. I can’t tell though. It’s driving me crazy. I think I”m going to keep this one to myself though. At least for now :-X
Chicken Fried
My PTCB is tomorrow. I’m scared :-X I think I’ll do ok though. Well, hopefully. After that I’m going to work for a while so I can finish getting things straightened out. I work at a new store now (not sure if I already mentioned that or not). It’s a lot of fun. I love the people. The enviornment is a lot more comfortable as well. Makes me feel a lot better. My old store was really….uptight I suppose. Anyway…
I think M and I are done. We haven’t spoken in 3 days and we still live with each other. I believe I’m going to ask him to move out (since it’s my fathers house) either tomorrow or Sunday. It’s just horrible that he can’t grow up and take responsibility for anything. He does a lot of bad things that I won’t mention in here (nothing bad towards me, just bad habits I HATE). It just gets old after a while. I figured that once we had Lil P he would straighten up a little and get his priorities straight. But apparently his priorities haven’t changed. Lil P and I are about 4th or 5th on his priority list instead of 1st and 2nd. It’s just…not good. And his family is sooo amazing. I love them to death. It’s going to be sad to let them go. They are all so loving and caring and such nice people.
I’m so scared to take this next step in my life. M and I have been together for 2.5 years now. There is so much I want to write but I can’t find the words. We have tons of good memories, but the memories that really stick out is the ones when we were fighting and screaming at each other. Especially when I was pregnant. I love him a lot. He deserves love that I can’t give him though. We have grown apart, not closer as the time has passed. That’s not how it is supposed to work. If you love each other and want that love to last, you work things out. You don’t make snide remarks towards each other (mostly him towards me). You don’t call names and dismiss your responsibilities because you are mad at your significant other. (again, him). It’s just not right. I don’t really know what else to say except for right now, I feel so alone.
My parents are going to hate me. His family is going to hate me. Everyone in my life is going to feel hate towards me. I don’t want that at all. It’s the worst feeling in the world to know that the people you love (and taht supposedly love you) feel disappointment and hatred towards you. It just plain…sucks.
I feel like everything is coming to an end. I’m so glad I have my baby boy. I don’t know what I would do without him. I’m scared. I’ve been crying for a little while now. I don’t know what to do.
Dead Worms
It rained today. A lot. And there were tons of earth worms all over my sidewalk. It made me pretty depressed. I’ve been feeling depressed anyway, and just seeing those worms, dying on my sidewalk…well I don’t know. I feel like I’m not loved. Mostly by M. He just…I don’t know. He says that I never show him any affection. I think I show him a lot of affection. I kiss him, hug him, joke around with him. That’s my idea of affection. But apparently he has other ideas. He says that if I don’t start showing him the affection he wants, then it will make him cheat on me. That just doesn’t sound right at all. I’ve been suspicious lately. He has been staying out a little more each week. And there are weird phone numbers on his cell phone all the time…at weird times. I don’t know. I’ll write more later. Lil P is up.
